If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
