the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
