how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
