yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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