Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
