God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize