New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
