Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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