i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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