I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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