Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
