Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize