They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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