I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
i need some magic done to my vagina
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
