soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
