I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize