his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
