Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
