I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
