If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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