he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
