my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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