can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
So squirting runs in the family.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
