M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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