I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
