If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
