Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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