So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
