he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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