She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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