apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
