dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I need moral support for this bender
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You were trust falling into bushes
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
