consequently i now know what mace tastes like
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
