Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
