you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
