Porn is love you can see.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Randomize
