i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
