I hope mine doesn't look like that
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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