youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
