I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
