just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
