she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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