Soap is not a condiment
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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