i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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