1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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