I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
