"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
