Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
