take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
