Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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