Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
