There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
