I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I am naked and annoyed.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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