so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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