there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize