I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
