you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
