Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
