I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
