the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
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