i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
