if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
