Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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