I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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