Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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