sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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