Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
