Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
