I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize