Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
